One day not too long ago..2 Australian mamas were sitting on a back deck, sipping wine.. and talking up all the oxygen available.. when the conversation turned to life lessons.. and what they thought were the ones that certainly and without doubt needed to be learned. The two teenage daughters of the 2 mamas were, in turn, amazed, amused, and repulsed, by the words of wisdom tumbling forth from the mamas' mouths. These are, in no particular order, those words.

Monday, September 13, 2010

not "hopless".

A note found by one of the 2 mamas on a rainy day outside a suburban shopping centre:

Plans to make friends with her:
1. spy on her and find out what she likes
2. write a mesege that will win her hart
3. give her my nuber (when I do 2)
HOPLESS.

To my little note-writing buddy: it is not hopless.  I hope she sees in you what we all see in that note.  Go for it. 
Be brave, display your courage, particularly when it comes to parenting your babies.  The world needs more brave parents right now.

Be grateful for every passing year that you do not need to take regular medication, because that time will come. 

Celebrate the changing of the season.  It is Mother Nature’s way of offering new experiences. (Although she could dial it back a bit for summer in Oz.  Just saying). 

Do not stress over events like Christmas.  They should not be times where you flip out, they are times for you and your family to celebrate whatever is important to you. 

The media is a toxic entity whose sole purpose is to speak to the lowest common denominator, particularly morning television. 

Never go on national TV without at least a shirt, good bra and proper shoes on.  UGG boots are not proper shoes. 

Monday, September 6, 2010

look after your back.. you will miss it when it is gone.

decorate to make yourself happy.. not to  impress occasional visitors.

it is ok to be the black sheep.

make something with your hands.

collect something.

there is a huge difference between strange.. and creepy.

spring clean something.. even if it is only your mind.

repurpose something.. and then use it.:)

paint your toenails.

blow some bubbles.

cleanse and moisturize.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

make something. create something. read something.

life is too short to not follow your heart.

own at least one piece of original art.

embrace your healthy working body no matter what form it takes.

floss.

visit an art gallery regularly.

see an opera  and a ballet at least once.

go on a road trip. you will see something great every time.

go to itunes and buy 5 songs from your youth. revel in the memories, or alternatively, be thrilled you never have to go back there.

people who are/were the "popular" ones at school are/were quite often peaking at that very moment.
Spring is the time to fling open doors and windows and clean.  Let the energy flow again.

If you haven’t worn it in 12 months, you will never wear it.  Give it away or up-cycle it.

If you work in an open office and you have a cold, stay home.  Your colleagues will thank you.

Occasionally in life, you get to a point where to go back is impossible, but to go forward is very scary.  Breathe and trust in your instincts to guide you to the place you need to be.

Nothing is as disappointing as a cup of tea that has gone cold.

You know when the time is needed for you to have a stern conversation with yourself.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cherish those friends whom you might see once/twice a year but you pick up the conversation where you left off last time.  They are true gems.

No-one else can make you happy but yourself.

If it takes less than a minute to do something: close a drawer, put clothes into a dirty clothes basket: do it.  Do it NOW.

If you can’t find something, tidy up.

Long term relationships are sometimes hard, sometimes glorious and sometimes routine. The trick is to keep the balance.

If there is something fishy going on and it involves a child, it is your business to do something about it.
It won’t happen tomorrow unless you do something about it today.

No matter how hard you try, you will watch your waist disappear sometime in your 40s.  Wave it farewell and get on with life, albeit with a slightly larger circumference.

There will always be someone who’s car is newer, house bigger, income more disposable.  Don’t try to compete.

You are not qualified to give advice unless you have lived it first (or happen to write a blog about life lessons, then knock yourself out).

Do you really want to be a part of the moral majority if that majority is bigoted and selfish?

Being a part of a herd is important for warmth and security when you are growing up, but once grown, you will find there is more sweet pickings to be found outside of the herd.

Good music is often found lurking outside the “Top 40”.  There is huge fun to be had in hunting it out. (www.wearehunted.com is a great place to start).

Ask those important to you to write their favourite recipes or advice to you by hand.  You will treasure this once they are gone.

People who espouse hatred are not to tolerated, not matter how famous they are (see Mel Gibson).

Living quietly has virtue.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

If you are fortunate enough to receive an invitation to something, have the courtesy to RSVP by the due date and via the method requested on the invitation.

Never let a fool kiss you, but more importantly never let a kiss fool you.

You will never be happy once you have everything you want.  You will only want more. Be happy with what you have.

Do not be afraid to stand up for what you believe in.

You have the right to walk out of an event rather than stay and listen if what is being said is offensive to you and your ideals.

Don’t come out on a Monday morning and tell us you need: clean socks, forms signed, a 3D (to scale, working ) model of Notre Dame.  We could not be less interested.

A bit of planning saves a whole lot of time.

It won’t happen tomorrow unless you do something about it today.

No matter how hard you try, you will watch your waist disappear sometime in your 40s.  Wave it farewell and get on with life, albeit with a slightly larger circumference.

There will always be someone who’s car is newer, house bigger, income more disposable.  Don’t try to compete.

You are not qualified to give advice unless you have lived it first (or happen to write a blog about life lessons, then knock yourself out).

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Brush your teeth twice a day.. and floss.

It is ok to be pissed off.. just dont wallow. Welll... ok .. if you must wallow.. you've got 24 hours. then we will slap you and tell you to get on with it.

Pay your bills on time.

A lot of the fun is in the anticipation. So is a lot of the fear.

Time may heal wounds.. but you need to take good care of the scars.

Rainy days WILL cause you to want to nap on the sofa. Every now and then.. you should do it.

Some puppies take a LONG time to grow up. So do some humans.

Never trust a crouching, hiding cat with flat ears. Or a hidden dragon.

Breathe..........

Never write an email  or a text in anger.Ok.. you can write it.. but dont send it. Write it.. then delete it. Trust us.

Things NOT to do by text:
dump someone.
fire someone.
propose to someone.
announce someone's birth... or death.
These are worthy of actual speech.

Find a song you love. Play it over and over. Loud. Sing it at the top of your voice. Enjoy the  bliss that comes.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Support small businesses.

Every now and then.. purely for your own enjoyment.. stand up to "the man".
It keeps them on their toes... and gives you something to laugh about.

Creativity is catching, invigorating and healing.

 Sometimes.. something just HAS to be said... and sometimes YOU are the one who needs to say it.

If someone has done a good job.. let them ( and their employers) know.  Dont only say something if there is a complaint to be made.

Be a good listener.

Be a crusader.

Be a model citizen.

Be a pusher of boundaries.
When someone lets you in in traffic, have the courtesy to wave at them in thanks.

Let people in in traffic.  It doesn’t cost a cent.

When someone won’t let you in in traffic, flip them that special one fingered wave.

Celebrate life’s moments.  Sit on the beach, buy fish and chips, have a coffee.  Do something to savour the moment.  Life should be a celebration.

There is such a thing as a glass ceiling in the workplace.  Do not be someone who just cleans it, help smash through it.

If you are horrified by something that is happening in your world, let the politicians know.  Start with the opposition members because they are just a little bit more hungry.

Sometimes in life, you need to just pull up your big girl knickers and just deal with stuff.

Yes, these boots are made for walking, but they do come in handy when we need to kick some arse.  And we can do it fashionably at the same time.

In the words of Michael Franti, you can bomb the world to pieces but you cannot bomb it into peace.

If you think there is a new life form developing under your bed, you probably need to vacuum.

Consume less every day.  Think before you buy: can I get this second hand?  Do I need to replace this?  Is this a want or a need?

Be true to yourself, no-one else will unless you set the example.

Sometime in life, you just need to swear like a drunken sailor.  Just make sure the windows on your car are up first.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

there is never a good time to get sick.

staying in bed all day is a MUCH nicer option... than necessity.

psychics are not to be trusted.

once you have children in your life.. you will never again hear the word "nits" without instantly needing to scratch your head.

words to live by: "if it isnt fun.. than i am not playing."

 a bargain is only a bargain.. if you have the money to pay for it.. and you need it.

 beware of spending too much time in shopping centres ... they will suck your soul right out of your body.
 

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A little bit of dirt never killed anyone.  Wash your hands with soap and water.  Back away from the antibacterial hand-washes etc.  Do you really need to have your toilet cleaner kill 99.9% of germs?  What do you intend to do in your toilet that it needs to be that clean?

Someone much wiser than us has said, it is better to turn the other cheek.  However, sometimes you need to turn the other cheek and give them an absolute gobful.

Where you live is not as important as how you live.

One of your life’s ambitions should be to be just a little bit eccentric, quirky, odd.  Life is so much more interesting with eccentricity, quirks and oddity in it.

If you start a course of antibiotics, finish it.  One day someone you love may suffer needlessly from an antibiotic-resistant infection brought about by people not finishing antibiotics.

Sing karaoke.  It is HUGE fun.

You might not believe this, but we do have excellent taste in music.  Just ask us to share our favourites with you.  You might enjoy them.  Or not.

We will always be your advocate, your supporter, your advisor.  Promise. 

Don’t poke snakes, lions or other biting snarly animals.  The same goes for biting snarly humans.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Know that at some stage in your life you will live beside true morons who think (a) they can sing Robbie Williams at the top of their lungs at 6am, or (b) you are interested in hearing all about their argument with soulmate #4 whilst they are on their mobile sitting on their back steps or (c) you too share a passion for the sound of a basketball being bounced bounced bounced bounced bounced.  Suck it up, buy a good stereo and crank it up.

Those dickheads who live next door to you may end up as your bank manager/police officer/driving instructor.

Sit-coms using a laughter track are not funny

Children's programs that use cheesy child actors in wacky, madcap, semi-adult situations are not funny


Try to avoid ‘stripper-chic’.  Not even interpretive dancers want to look like that.

Resist the urge to ‘vajazzle’.  Your vulva should not  be treated as though they are part of a Year 1 craft lesson.

Call your anatomy by its correct name, not va-jay-jay, bearded clam, muff, john-thomas, pee-pee, peeny etc.  Please, show some respect if you want others to respect you as well.

Do not show your enthusiasm for any public event by lifting your shirt and flashing your breasts, or dropping your pants and waving your penis.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Thank you "Shit my Dad says"

"Stop trying so hard. He doesn’t like you. Jesus, don’t kiss an ass if it’s in the process of shitting on you."

There's a life lesson for you.
peace.
The One Flaw In Women ...

Women have strengths that amaze men.....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

 Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.  
Remember YOUR worth.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

  Burn all your favourite songs onto a disc for someone you like so they can get to know you better.

   If you are going to swear, use it in conversations to make a point, not as adjectives in everyday language.

 Learn a new word every day try to use them in sentences.

   You do not have to eat everything on your plate.

Porn does not represent real life sex, bodies, noises or emotions.

Look people in the eyes when you speak to them.

If you are well and fine and dandy, the only correct response to "How are you?" is "Fine, thank you". Not "good", "ok" or "fine".

Eat all the right things in the right portion sizes 6 days a week.  One day a week go nuts (see eating skittles with spoon).

Never apologise for crying if you need to or in a movie no matter how sappy it is.

Learn one good (clean) insult and use it infrequently so it doesn't lose its sting.

True friends won't notice if your house is untidy or your floors need cleaning.

 Sometimes life changing events happen to good people, but you learn that they are resilient.

There really are such things as rose coloured glasses and they do make things seem better than they are, but that is ok.

If they go home from your function a little bit hungry, they can always eat toast when they get home.

If you have a friend who is a medical doctor and you feel you need to call them for advice, then you need to call, see your doctor, not your friend.
"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."

Thanks To Gill.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Layering helps extend the life of your signature scent: bath oil, moisturiser and ‘parfum’ (perfume essence: lasts around 6 hours but is violently expensive).  Eau de parfum is less expensive, eau de toilette (or eau de cologne) is cheaper.  The cheaper the scent the less time they last.

Sing ‘Happy birthday’ in a round: it is hugely fun, mildly irritates those around you in public places and makes the moment last longer.

When you are in a different part of town or the world, be alert but not alarmed.  Be aware of where you are, who is around you.  Look confident and smile.  (See ‘gut instinct’ lesson).

Only you know what your grade point average was or the marks you got for your exams at high school.  All the world sees is that you worked hard enough to earn that qualification.  Be smart: do you want to do really well or just pass?  Look at the time, effort and sacrifices each takes and work out which one you can live with.

You will only get out of life what you put in: treat yourself poorly and without respect: others will too.  Treat others poorly and without respect and they will treat you even worse.

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Life Lessons


Thursday, May 20, 2010

If someone you know is doing it tough, and you can afford it, anonymously drop a $20 Coles/Woolworths/Aldi card into their letterbox.  There are some things you do not need thanks for.  If $20 is too much for your budget, perhaps a loaf of bread or a bottle of milk?

At some stage in your life, work in a service industry: banking, health care, reception, waiting on tables.  Then you will learn two things:  how to treat staff in service industry and why people work in the service industry loathe the general public.

Occasionally in life, there are situations that call for a smug “I told you so”.  Occasionally.

You cannot make every situation right, no matter how hard you try, how much you want to or how unjust it is.  Still, you need to try.

Hard work is good for you.  However, hard work must be balanced by rest and relaxation.

There is no shame in having a few different careers in your life.  There is no shame in doing the same job from the time you leave school until you retire.  As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and say “I am happy”.

Do things that make you proud of who you are and what you do.  Once you no longer respect yourself and your actions, you need to change your behaviour.

Phone calls at 2am are never good, unless it is to tell us about a new baby or an engagement.  Those are great phone calls to make and receive.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You would worry far less about what people think of you.. if you realised how seldom they did.

 

 

Thankyou Dr Phil.

If you are a working mother and you have parental leave benefits, stay home with your sick children.  The guilt of leaving them with someone else or sending them to school/child care is not worth it.  The time they need a loving adult to do this is so short.  Do what you have to do to make that time best for everyone.
Going to work or school on your birthday is negotiable.

Never ever ever ever share needles if you absolutely positively must inject substances into your body.  Better yet, ask us before you want to put that shit into your body.  We spent 9 months making the best body we could for you and we will have firm opinions on what you should be doing with that body.

Walk around the house naked, just close your curtains before you do.

If, in an exam setting,  you are asked to do something or answer a question and you don’t know, trust us when we say you will earn more brownie points by saying “I haven’t done that but this is how I would approach it” or “I don’t know but this is how I would find out”.  (This is little hint as to how to get more marks on vivas or oral presentations).

Don’t judge someone by the music they enjoy, unless they enjoy Bolivian flute music at 1 am on volume 11.  Then go for it, judge away.

Everyone judges everyone else.  Know that, accept that because sometimes the judgements are good.  Give yourself some credit.  Mostly others will think you are ok or even better.

Know that people are talking about you way less than you think they are.

Never drink and dial ANYONE.  No good will come from this.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The ONLY way to get rid of split ends is to cut them off.

No matter how much Tupperware you buy.. there will never be enough lids for  the bottoms.

Bed linen needs to be changed once a week at least. no excuses.

Never buy out of date smallgoods or cheeses.. no matter how good the deal seems.

Don't mistake anxiety for excitement and vise versa.

Don't sniff... seriously... we will slap you.

Buy in season  fruit, veg and flowers .. they will be cheaper and more tasty/beautiful/ bountiful.

There is no such thing as good gluten free bread.

Don't eat the yellow snow.

Do not over-commit to work related deadlines,  family Christmas parties or the amount of courses you can eat  at one sitting.

Allow ( indeed, EXPECT of ) yourself the courtesies, understanding and second chances you would readily give to others.

Always always always have a spare unopened pair of tights/hose in your undies drawer.. in case of the way too frequent "laddering the hose before you even step outside the house" phenomenon. 

If in doubt, ring us.. we will come. Always. Everytime. We promise.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The problem with common sense is that you will find it is not that common.

It really is about how you play the game that is important.  Play smart but fair.  You may not always win but it is nice when you do. (See “huge gloat” lesson)

When your friend, partner, lover appears in a truly hideous, not-so-flattering outfit, gently tell them they look as though they have dressed with the lights off and suggest something else.  If they refuse, accept that they have their own style and suck it up.

Find a perfume that QUIETLY announces your arrival.  Avoid the ones that trumpet your existence from 50 metres.

You will only get out of life what you put in: treat yourself poorly and without respect: others will too.  Treat others poorly and without respect and they will treat you even worse.

If you know your new lover is cheating on their spouse or partner to be with you, then chances are they will cheat on you with someone else.  In the immortal words of Dr Phil: “If they do it with ya, they’ll do it to ya”.  You can count on one hand the relationships that have started this way that succeed.

Sometimes the best travel experiences come out of cheap, inexpensive places.  You do not have to travel in 4 or 5 star luxury to see the world.  As long as where you sleep is safe and secure, it costs very little to look, smell, feel and taste different places.

Coffee that is poorly made never lives up to the anticipation.

Seeing as 90% of enjoyment is derived from the first three bites of something, do you really need to eat the whole packet of biscuits/ice cream container/(insert yummy thing of choice here).

If you want to try something, then give it a go.  What’s the worst that can happen?  (Except for speeding cars, taking drugs, accepting free drinks at nightclubs, eating rat sac or running with scissors).

Ask yourself “what is the worst that can happen?”  If the answer is one you can live with, do it.  Do it now.  Life is too short to be held up by fear.  

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Unique one.

The very thing that may make you stand out, make you feel peculiar....
and maybe even sometimes a little bit like an outcast....is probably
the thing in your life that will have the most impact on others....
as well as yourself.

If you are different...embrace it. If you stand out from the crowd...
stand a little taller. If your message is new and strange....
shout it from the rooftops.

Most history-making, life-improving, world-beautifying people were
the people who were thought of as strange, bold and peculiar.......

...you are one of those amazing big-souled, incredibly brave
wonder-women....of course you stand out from the crowd.

..and we are so thankful that you do.

Keep shining, you beautiful soul.
xoxo
( reproduced from the Brave GIrl Mailing list )
Being angry with your life partner does not mean you will leave them or break up, it just means you are angry with them.

You do not have to love your job every minute of every day, even the best jobs in the world can be tedious.

Good friends will tell each other when their houses smell like wet dogs.

Even though you love the name you have chosen for your baby or pet, know that it will resemble shards of glass running over your tongue when you say it for the millionth time that day.

Choose a name for your pet or baby that you love more than you thought possible because that love will have to sustain you through some dark moments.

Savour the first time you hear your baby say the word "mum" or "mummy", because it gets a bit thin after hear it strung out over three syllables "MU-UU-MM".

Learn the difference between MU-UU-MM (insert whiny tone here) and MU-UU-MM (spurting blood event).
Meat and meat scraps CANNOT go into your in-kitchen compost bin.

If you need to wear a "g-string liner", perhaps you should rethink the g-string.

Remember people's names (even though we struggle with this).

Be wary of clowns {shudder}.

Get into the habit of spending 10 minutes every day tidying and straightening your home (see 'remembering people's names').

Coke must be savoured if it comes out of a glass bottle.

Never drink alcohol until you fall down.

Make one alcoholic drink last the equivalent of three alcoholic drinks.

Ensure control of your 'slapping hand' at all times.

It is ok to have all your emotions show on your face.

Try to control your rolling eyes before they roll back into your head.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

No regrets.
do not regret your mistakes, your past.
learn from it.. and look forward.
  No means no, say it clearly and mean it.

 Do not expect your lover to know how to please you.  Tell them, show them.


 Know how to please yourself so that you never have to rely on your lover.


  Get a mirror and look at your body.  All of it.  Know what it looks like and what it feels like.  It is your body and you need to care for it.

  Find yourself a GP and stick with them.  Follow them if they move practices.

 Pap smear, dental checks and skin checks must be done every year.

  Tell the people you love them early and often.

Show the people you love them by doing things for them: make them a cup of tea, put petrol in the car, buy them a recharge for their phone.


   Gifts do not have to be expensive or bought to be meaningful.

  Surround yourself with things that you find beautiful, not what you are told is right or fashionable.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Never leave a friend alone who is vomiting, as icky as it is, stay with them, hold their hair out of the way and stay with them.

Never buy tablets of any kind when you are at a nightclub or party.  Always carry panadol with you so you know what it is you are taking.

Trust us enough to tell us where you are going and with whom.  You may need us to know just that information in an emergency.

Know that there will be times we will be disappointed, won’t like what you do or approve, but we will always love you.

Valentine’s Day does not need to be celebrated with doves, gifts and public displays of affection.  A hearty  “happy Valentine’s Day” is all that is required.  The same goes for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Some HomeBrand groceries are ok, others are not.  The trick is working out which is which.

Never trust someone who doesn't smile with their eyes.  They do not mean it
Sometimes it is better to walk away from an argument than win it.

If it is important, then fight for it.

No-one will advocate for you or your kids better than you, don't give that role to anyone else.

Sometime "nice" girls are really dragons whose "nice" scales blind you.

Listen to that little 7-year-old inside you, they know what is good for you and what isn't.

There are a few days every year when you can eat a bowl full of skittles with a spoon, but don't make it a habit.

Remember that what you put in must be balanced by what you put out.

A new baby can never be spoiled, pick them up when they cry and comfort them and you.

It is ok to go to the movies or dinner by yourself.

Learn when to cop it silently and when not to.

If you want to wear THAT hat, then do so.

Only the manufacturers of liners call them "panties".

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Pink clinkers are the best.

A dry just bathed dog will stay non-stinkified for approx 5 mins. After that they just smell like dog again. Get in quick for those close up cuddles.

A glass of wine at five pm on a Saturday afternoon can be perfection. A glass of wine instead of breakfast is a problem.

Coffee tastes yuck when you have just brushed your teeth.

Just because you drag a HUGE dog turd into your new boyfriend/girlfriend's car on the first date , it doesnt mean you cant end up in a long term relationship.

DO go to your school reunion.. especially if you struggled socially at school, and you are now very comfortable in your own body/mind. We will bet there are many "populars" there who are now neither.

Some people will never "get" you. This is perfectly reasonable.. as more than likely you wont "get" them either.

Underwear is good for ONE wearing before washing. ONE.

Wear pyjamas that make you feel good. THEY are the most "sexy".

Swim naked outside at least once in your life. Preferably at night, in seclusion. NOT at the local pool on a saturday afternoon.

Dont accept bets that require you to streak, drink lots of alcohol, or eat offal if you lose.  You WILL lose.

A watched pot will boil eventually, but in the meantime, go fold up your clothes and put them away. THEN when the pot has boiled,  make your mother a cup of tea.

Champagne must be drunk when  VERY cold, and very expensive.

You may take up smoking. When you are 80 years old, and then only cigars.

Do not be a food or wine snob. If it tastes good to you , that is all that matters. A $2.00 cleanskin is fabulous if shared with wonderful people.

Food always tastes better when cooked outdoors, by someone other than yourself.

The best way to grow beautiful orchids is to buy one, and ignore it. Sadly the same can not be said  for children or pets.

Shit will stink. Yours included.

if you have more than one clock in your home.. they will each say a different time.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Know that if you stop going to the gym, or exercising regularly, it will hurt like all stink when you start again.

Curiously, paper cuts are one of the worst injuries.

Saying No: In terms of sex,  No means no, say it clearly and mean it.  In terms of being asked to do something or go somewhere and you don’t want to or are unable to do so, then all you need to say is “No, thanks, I can’t.”

If someone you know and care about is taking drugs, offer support for them to stop but put your needs and safety first.  Always.

If the person you are involved with does not stop their sexual advances when you say no, then that is a criminal offence and you should tell someone

If you are at a party and your friends get really, really drunk and you don’t know what to do, call an ambulance and then call us.  We will get out of bed, no matter what time it is and help.

Know your parent’s friends’ mobile numbers, they care about you and your parents so if you can’t call us, then call them.  They will get out of bed and make certain you are safe.  They may even help you break the news to your parents.

We promise to stay sober every time you are at a party so that we can pick you up or help you if things get ugly.
Parents who use their children to make money on TV are not true parents.

98% of the world's population do NOT look like the models in magazines.

When you contribute to the financial state of a family, you have a right to participate in decisions about how it is spent.  Until then, you are merely an observer.

Trust us when we say, an untidy room really shits us, and when we say we are over it, you had better listen.

Making money should never be more important than your employees' safety and security.  We are talking to you, mining companies and other major corporations.

Don't chew with your mouth open (see untidy room lesson)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

There is NO limit to the amount of wee one small Dachshund  girl dog can produce. NONE.

Dust settles faster than you can dust it.

Bepanthan is the best post tattoo regimen.

Being in your forties does not mean you wont get pimples. ( We wish it were true.. but it isnt.)

String is useful. So is the right medication.

Tapestry renditions of famous Portraits are rarely successful.

Second hand books stores have a smell all of their own. BREATHE it in.. it is the smell of knowledge ...and 1970's weight watchers recipes.

Asparagus WILL make your wee smell funny.

Chap stick is a life essential. Carry one with you at all times. NOthing spoilts a great outdoor event quicker than lips that feel like they may shrivel and drop off your face.
Never be the first one to end a hug.

There is no such thing as an ordinary hug.  Hugs are always outstanding, especially the ones where there is a little bit of rocking involved.

Don’t get sucked into things that are on sale.  Look at the price it is , not what it was.  Are you happy to pay that?  Don’t get caught up on what you are saving, be aware of what you are spending.

Know your parents’ friends’ mobile numbers.  They care about you and your parents so if you can’t call us, then call them.  They will get out of bed and make certain you are safe.  They may even help you break the news to your parents.

Never carry anyone else’s luggage through customs, even if they are your best friend in the whole world.

 Your father** will always love you.  Always.  **Your father may not be the man that actually fathered you.

Fruit cut up on a platter by someone other than yourself will always be more appealing.

There is never a valid reason for someone to hit you or make you feel worthless. There is never a valid reason for you to hit someone or make them feel worthless.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If you cant afford flowers, cut some shrubbery from your garden. Green is cool and refreshing and looks so pretty in a big glass jar.

Quoting from Monty Python movies will never get old.

Never leave nail polish remover on wood.

Crayola crayons smell like childhood. Always have some in case of a colouring emergency.

Don't chew with your mouth open (see untidy room lesson)

Don't turn everyday chores into a major event.  Just do them and get on with life.

Adult women have pubic hair.  That is the way Mother Nature designed us.  You may sculpt your map o’ Tassie but, please, do you really want to look like a pre-pubescent girl at 30?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Life is too short for black handbags, white bras and boring people.

If someone you know suffers a miscarriage, then acknowledge their loss.  Loss of a pregnancy or the ability to have a baby is a true loss.  Treat these the same way you would the loss of a person or pet.

Respect people’s beliefs in religion or politics.  Do not respect those who try to inflict these beliefs onto you.

Listen to other people’s opinions (within reason).  You may learn a new way of looking at things.  If someone (or even yourself perhaps?) is hogging the conversation with their opinions, fake a headache and get out of there.

Rescue your friends when they are stuck with boring people, but do it with grace and aplomb.

Treat anyone who is too full of themselves with scepticism.

When someone you love dies, you will want to talk about them.  That is ok.  If your friend wants to do the same thing, then let them.  No matter how many times you have heard the story.
Talking to work colleagues in a baby voice is not appropriate.  Ever.  Unless you no longer wish to work with those people.

When one is out and about, one should spend time enjoying said out and about, not spend the whole time photographing them and their friends in extreme close-up.

Do your hair once and one only before you leave the house.  Then if absolutely necessary, touch it up in the ladies room.  Unless you are Miranda Kerr on a photo shoot for Vogue, your hair must not be done and then re-done in public.

If someone has (a) food on their teeth, (b) toilet paper on their shoe (c) lipstick on their teeth or (d) their skirt caught up in their tights, tell them quietly.  It is always appreciated. 

Regularly delete your texts.  No good comes from keeping texts.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Learn the difference between "your" and "you're". Always use them in the correct manner. (This mistake drives your mother nuts and she will judge people who dont understand the difference. sorry 'bout that.)

Respect your parent's friends, and the parents of your friends. Call them Mr and Mrs or Ms until invited to do otherwise.

Recycle all that you can.

Understand that even the most in love couples will fight. If your parents are breaking up.. we promise you will be the first to know. Arguments, misunderstandings and disagreements are all part of any long term relationship.

Breaking up is hard to do.. but not as hard as living with someone you no longer love or respect.

The jury is out on staying together for the sake of the kids.

Vintage linen tea towels are lovely.
Sometimes in life, you just gotta mentally put things into a helium-filled balloon and Let. It. Go.

Good hair can make ordinary days seem shiny.

Good hairdressers are like good GPs: worth holding onto.

Good hairdressers move, have babies, leave salons never to be found again.  You will find another.

It is not an adulterous act to try out other hairdressers.

Learn to laugh at yourself and let others do it (occasionally).

Know the fear and do it anyway (unless this involves drugs, speeding cars or running with scissors).

Saturday, April 24, 2010

  Tell someone that you are sorry for what has happened to them, even if you did not cause it.

 Find something you are passionate about and make it a part of your life.

 It is OK to be afraid.

 It is OK to ask for help.

 It is OK to make mistakes.

 If you do hurt someone, tell them you are sorry for what you did.  Do not use words like “I apologise if…”

Admit your mistakes and offer to fix them before someone else makes a big deal about it.

 Be honest, but never be cruel.

 If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, spend as little time with them as you can.

 Get to know your family before they are gone.  They are your history and your future.

 Be nice to your siblings.  They are family and family will ground you.

 Exam results are important but they do not represent who you are, merely your ability to perform at that given moment.

 Being in any long term relationship is about compromise, on both sides.

Anzac Day. 25/04/2010.

Observe Anzac Day and show respect for the many men and women who fought and sacrificed so that you could have the life you have today. It is not about your beliefs on war or politics that matters today. It is about respect.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Do not buy anything that is advertised on TV after midnight or by women called “Moira”.

Never trust a person whose forehead doesnt move.  Or whose lips  resemble a trout and whose cheeks resemble mounds (See Hunter Tylo).

Embrace your own natural beauty. The world would be a very boring place if we were all tall thin and blonde. Love your hourglass figure. Love your knobbly knees. Love your differences. ( this life lesson contains a special shout out to Nicole Kidman.)

Food that wobbles: jelly, blancmange, tapioca, rice pudding, flummeries and aspics: should not be trusted.

If you cant handle a 6 week old puppy... dont have a child.

always break an (freerange) egg into a cup before adding it to a recipe.

Items presented in Newspapers and  on Television News are NOT the only newsworthy things happening in the world.

When speaking in public.. speak slower than normal.and  take a nice big breath every now and then so you dont rush.

Do not judge the quality of a school by whether it is public or private. Judge it by the young people it  turns out.
Understand that when someone serves you food they have cooked, it is safe to assume they have not laced it with arsenic, so DO NOT approach it with suspicion.  Just eat it and be grateful.  (And then wash up).

You cannot eat nachos every night for the rest of your life, so stop asking.

Find a fashion icon closer to home: your mum, her friend (Hi Liz), someone you work with, your best friend?  Style icons do not have to be found in fashion magazines.


Mobile phones are excellent for texts and emergency or BRIEF calls.  The rest of the world does not find your conversations about your STD nearly as riveting as you think they do.

Back away from excessive eye liner.

Do NOT, we repeat, do NOT bring your dog to someone’s home, uninvited and then let them wee on their rug, frolic and generally trash their house.  And then do a large poo in their back yard**.  

**The same applies to your children, spouse and good self.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

cleanse, exfoliate, moisturise, sunscreen. always.

 dont cut your own hair. ok.. actually we KNOW you are going to cut it, but at least use decent scissors and dont do it when you have your period.

 cramps do not neccessarily go away after you have babies.
*

Parenting children is a very hard job. Parenting your parents is too.

 Value your health and fitness.

 take care of your feet.

 never wake a sleeping puppy.

 adopt all your pets from shelters.

 sleep when you are tired.

Put the milk away within a minute of finishing with it

Don't eat white bread regularly. Go for the ones with the fibre and the seeds. Know however, that it is much harder to tell if these breads have gone mouldy. If in doubt throw it out.

Never apologise if your laugh is "too loud".

If it feels right, then it probably is.
It is not important to have a ‘day’ cream and a ‘night’ cream, nor should you care whether you use the day cream at night or vice versa.

Be wary of people telling you have the miracle cure for anything, particularly if they are behind a cosmetics counter.

Buy cosmetics that are labelled cruelty free.  Always.

You cannot lose weight, gain confidence, be empowered by using any product that has a the name of a fruit and the word “detox” or “slimming” on its label.

Shows that show people losing weight, making-over their kitchens, gardens or life are for entertainment and do not represent what goes on in real life.  Think of them as real-time cartoons, using real people.

Those tossers who live next door to you may end up as your bank manager/police officer/driving instructor.

If you want to wear a hat, then do so.

Good, no GREAT, clothes can be found in second-hand stores.  The same is true about accessories, and home wares.
Never grocery shop on an empty stomach.

Try not to cry when you are unspeakably angry with someone, it just makes you even more angry and then you cry some more.

Whoever cooks, does not have to wash up.  Unless you are alone.

Throwing clothes on the floor takes just as much energy as putting them in the dirty clothes basket.

As life-limiting as it sounds, separate your colours before you wash them.  Whites, Pale colours, dark colours..

In winter, you only have to iron the collar and cuffs of shirts, as long as you are wearing a jumper, and you are not peri- menopausal.

A good structured jacket hides a lot of sins. Go for: black or red leather, or a burberry print, cashmere or a non itchy camel coloured wool. Dont go for: pleather, real fur, plastic  or waist length.

When shaving your legs, beware nicking the skin on your shins or tendons on the sides of your ankles.  They hurt like nothing else (except perhaps paper cuts).

Monday, April 19, 2010

 a hot beverage is a great calmer.

 ice cold beer tastes best on a hot day after mowing the lawn.

 it is never too late to have a happy childhood. give it to yourself if none else has.

 fibre is good for you.it isnt tasty or fun.. but a good poop can cure a whole lot of ills.

 know the angles and poses that make you look fabulous in photos. use them.

babies DO grow up, even if some days feel like they last 1000 years. We promise.

indulge your love of old movies, crochet, darts, regardless of whether they are "in".

 a vegan lifestyle is not a healthy option if you end up pale, gaunt and lifeless looking.

 life is too short to pass on dessert, or a glass of wine, or a love affair.

clutter complicates everything. so do cryptic crosswords.
A car is a car is a car.  As long as it is reliable and yours, then there is no need to refer to it as “the Beemer” or “our Merc” or “my Benz”.  Truly.  We don’t care what you drive as long as you are sober and not on drugs when you drive it.

Personalised number plates = dicky.  Truly do you think we care if you have “NV”  on your car or “#1” or “mine” or “his” or “Babe” or “Classy”?  No we don’t.  And we will be very reluctant to let our baby girl into a car that has “PSSYWGON” on it.  Just so we are very clear on that.

Being a “cougar” is nothing to aspire to.  Truly, can you find enough common ground between you and someone over 20 years younger?  Really?  Great sex is not enough to sustain a long term relationship.  Trust us on this one.

Savour great sex while it lasts.  Great sex is replaced with good sex based on history, with occasional bursts of great sex.

Be suspicious of anyone who needs to tell you they have sex three or four times a week.  They are either lying or personality-disordered.  Best to avoid on any count.

Clean, crisp sheets and newly shaved legs = Bliss!

Buy new sleepwear every year.  It can come from a supermarket.

You can buy your knickers from the supermarket.  You do not need to pay $20 or $30 for a pair of undies.

Do not buy anything that has a brand name on it in an obvious place.  It really is a wank.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Become informed of the world around you , and your local area.

Smile at strangers, wish people a good morning.

 Encourage new mothers, with an offer of help, a  hot cup of tea. and acknowledgement that is is hard... and that it will get better.

 Use a condom. Carry a condom so there is no excuse.

 Shorts and stilettos are rarely classy

 Obvious gstrings are NEVER classy.

 Dont blame your parents for YOUR issues. You are an adult. grow up.

 Do learn about your family history.. even if it is only to know what mistakes/bad ideas/creepy uncles  to avoid.

 Forgive and forget is MUCH easier to say than to do.

 There are some things you need NEVER forgive.

 Any new mother whose entire home is perfectly immaculate needs you to be concerned, not congratulatory.
  Always buy your lover a birthday present and Christmas present, no matter how little money you have.

      If someone has the courage to ask you to dance and you don’t want to dance with them, be polite.  DO NOT BELITTLE THEM.   If you do wish to dance with them, do so.

      If your friends make you feel anything less than happy and supported, they are not your friends.

   Friends have the right to tell you when you are not being your best, but they will do so gently and with love.

   You have the right to tell your friends that they are not being their best, but you must do so gently and with love.

   Be happy with who you are, not who you think you should be.

   Never stop growing and evolving.

   Sometimes, life is too hard and too much, this will pass.  Put one foot in front of one another until you get to the other side.

  Always buy a “The big issue”   every month, even if it take the last of the money in your purse/wallet.
Beige underwear may be entirely "appropriate " for certain outfits, but it wont ever make you feel cute.

Never miss an opportunity when alone in a room with a tea cosy.. to try it on. Thankyou Billy Connelly.

Butter really does taste better.

NOTHING can hide the smell of cigarette smoke on your breath. ESPECIALLY not from your Mother.

Toads are evil and will suck the life blood from you , simply by being near them. Much like clowns,  people who attend Pro- life rallies.. and Carob.

Artificial sweetener= weird tasting "sugar-style" chemical that leaves a bitter aftertaste both physically and mentally. Use only real sugar or learn to live without it.

Your ipod cord WILL tangle no matter how carefully you put it away. So will your adulterous affairs.

The Beatles, David Bowie and the Rolling Stones are rock stars. Guy Sebastian isnt.

Fake tans are rarely successful especially around your feet, elbows and knees. Orange is not a natural colour unless you are an oompa loompa.

Oompa loompas are not fashion icons. Neither is Linsday Lohan***.

Aging beautifully = Meryl Streep, Isabella Rosselini, Helen Mirren, George Clooney, Sean Connery.

Aging like they lost a bet= Kenny Rogers, Paul Hogan, Hunter Tylo, Liza Minelli, ***Lindsey Lohan.


It pays to be suspicious of :
*long lost relatives  who want to tell you about " an amazing opportunity".
* long lost "friends" and relatives who arrive/get in contact after you lose a parent/possible benefactor.
* door to door salespeople of any kind: art, donations, religion.
* anyone who is more than happy to carry on intimate conversations with kids.. but cant look an adult in the eye.
* nylon underwear.
* rug sales.
* wobbly food.
* overly friendly in-laws.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

style is a state of mind.
if you love it and feel confident in it, go for it.
( ***this lesson does not EVER apply to real fur, thigh high boots in public, or Pleather.)
Wear cotton undies.

Wear sunscreen.

Do not have sex with someone because they tell you you should, have sex with them because you like them and you feel comfortable about it.

Do not have sex anywhere others may see you, walk in or film you on their phone.

  Never send nude photos of yourself via text or email, and if you MUST .. CHECK the address BEFORE you hit send.  Your boss and  your mother REALLY dont want to get that message.

   Never make a sex video with someone unless you get back all the copies if you break-up. ALL the copies.

  Write love letters by hand.

 
You will grow up and away from some of your friends. that is ok.

Some of your friends will be there regardless of what a dick you make of yourself. that is ok too.

It is ok to choose NOT to have children.

It is ok to choose to have a big family, provided each and every child has the childhood they deserves, the care and support  they need, and the very  best opportunities you can give them. all of them.

Gut feelings are very important. Follow them. Listen to them. They are what allowed your ancestors to survive.

be true to you. your style, your beliefs, your morals. Your essence is what make you unique.

Turn up the music and sing and dance.

Monday, April 12, 2010

You can have more than one soulmate. You can be your own soulmate.

Being 16 is very hard.  So can being 40.

 One should not try to cope with being 40 by dressing like one is 16.

 Try new foods.

 Dont try drugs, new or old.

Stand up for anyone older than you on the bus. Same for pregnant women. Same for anyone who just LOOKS like they need to sit down. and do it with good grace.

 open doors for everyone.

Own a pet. care for it. Do not, however,  substitute it for a child/relationship/life.

 No one wants to see /hears about your pet's cute quirks. Same goes for your kids. and your sex life.**

Great friends will pretend they DO want to hear about the above**. For a while.

 You do not have to make your own pasta to have a good life.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

 Any lump found on your body should be investigated. now.

Ankle tattoos are rarely a style success. Dolphin tattoos are never a style success.

 Cheap tattoos are never quality  and quality tattoos are never cheap.**

 See ** above for shoes and chocolate.

Get yourself FITTED for a bra.. every year. Your body will change and your bras will need to as well. Badly fitting bras are uncomfortable, and can  ruin even the best outfit. same with knickers.


 Your mother** will ALWAYS love you. always.

 **Your mother is not necessarily the woman who birthed you.
We do trust you without question.  We don't trust your friends until they prove worthy of that trust.

If our antennae wobble when we meet the parents or siblings of your friends, you will not be allowed to sleep over.  Don't keep asking us because the answer will never change.  Not in our lifetime.  Never.

Sultanas are untrustworthy and will appear to spoil a perfectly good sweetie.

If milk or food tastes off or funny on the first bite, don't take another to be certain.  You will regret it when you are vomiting at 2am the next morning.

Yes, parents like to watch the news (see financial decision-making lesson).

If you take the memory card out of the camera, put it back before the next major family event.  Internal memory on cameras cannot cope with a wedding or christening.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

we must all eventually leave the world our parents want for us behind! 
~ Jim Carrey.

Never were truer words spoken.
Never belittle someone who has a passion for tropical fish, stamps, trainspotting or the history of pipe organs in Eastern Europe (***see "indulge your love of old movies, crochet, darts, regardless of whether they are "in". ")

If your friend is undertaking a project that is near and dear to them, then be interested, even if it is about pipe organs in Eastern Europe.

If a toe nail turns a funny colour, fix it before you end up with 9 toenails.

Know you will feel a little envious when your friends lose weight, get a fabulous job, meet the perfect partner.  This is ok, just don't wallow in it or show them.

Know that you will feel smug when your friends gain weight, lose a fabulous job, or get dumped by their fabulous partner. This is ok, just don't wallow in it or show them.

Learn to say "Congratulations!", "I'm sorry" and "How can I help?" and mean it.
Always use water as though the dams are at 17% capacity, even if they are at 98%.

Sometimes the thrill of the chase is more fun than the catch.

Learn the ancient art of smiling and saying something polite, all the while thinking "get rooted".

You are always worth more than someone's meanest words.

Nurture something: a plant, a goldfish or a whole garden.

Say 'yes' to lunch with your Dad before it is too late to do just that.

Friday, April 9, 2010

 You do NOT have to iron everything in your wardrobe. You do have to iron your school uniform/ business attire/ outfit that you wear to a funeral.

 If you are bald, or balding. SHAVE IT OFF. You are fooling NO ONE.

Personal hygiene is more important than the outfit.

 Mental illness is as much an illness as heart disease or a broken leg. You wouldnt let a broken leg heal itself, would you?

If you have the word TEEN at the end of your age, you are too young to be called mummy or daddy.
*dont pick at scabs.

*it is better to say nothing than to regret what you cant take back.

*drink lots of water.

*be the best You, you can be. the world needs a fabulous YOU.

*if a charity or a plight moves you.. donate to it.

*some days are diamonds.. some days are stones.

*if it itches you when you first try it on... it's gonna keep itching you.

and so it begins...

  Always buy free range eggs and chickens. Enjoy the fact that they had a  happy and fulfilling life.

  Buy  good real estate early and often.

  Avoid credit cards for as long as possible.

  Vote, learn about your candidates and vote.  It is a privilege, use it.

 If you cannot afford to buy anything else, find the money for some new lip gloss.
 
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