One day not too long ago..2 Australian mamas were sitting on a back deck, sipping wine.. and talking up all the oxygen available.. when the conversation turned to life lessons.. and what they thought were the ones that certainly and without doubt needed to be learned. The two teenage daughters of the 2 mamas were, in turn, amazed, amused, and repulsed, by the words of wisdom tumbling forth from the mamas' mouths. These are, in no particular order, those words.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Know that if you stop going to the gym, or exercising regularly, it will hurt like all stink when you start again.

Curiously, paper cuts are one of the worst injuries.

Saying No: In terms of sex,  No means no, say it clearly and mean it.  In terms of being asked to do something or go somewhere and you don’t want to or are unable to do so, then all you need to say is “No, thanks, I can’t.”

If someone you know and care about is taking drugs, offer support for them to stop but put your needs and safety first.  Always.

If the person you are involved with does not stop their sexual advances when you say no, then that is a criminal offence and you should tell someone

If you are at a party and your friends get really, really drunk and you don’t know what to do, call an ambulance and then call us.  We will get out of bed, no matter what time it is and help.

Know your parent’s friends’ mobile numbers, they care about you and your parents so if you can’t call us, then call them.  They will get out of bed and make certain you are safe.  They may even help you break the news to your parents.

We promise to stay sober every time you are at a party so that we can pick you up or help you if things get ugly.
Parents who use their children to make money on TV are not true parents.

98% of the world's population do NOT look like the models in magazines.

When you contribute to the financial state of a family, you have a right to participate in decisions about how it is spent.  Until then, you are merely an observer.

Trust us when we say, an untidy room really shits us, and when we say we are over it, you had better listen.

Making money should never be more important than your employees' safety and security.  We are talking to you, mining companies and other major corporations.

Don't chew with your mouth open (see untidy room lesson)

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

There is NO limit to the amount of wee one small Dachshund  girl dog can produce. NONE.

Dust settles faster than you can dust it.

Bepanthan is the best post tattoo regimen.

Being in your forties does not mean you wont get pimples. ( We wish it were true.. but it isnt.)

String is useful. So is the right medication.

Tapestry renditions of famous Portraits are rarely successful.

Second hand books stores have a smell all of their own. BREATHE it in.. it is the smell of knowledge ...and 1970's weight watchers recipes.

Asparagus WILL make your wee smell funny.

Chap stick is a life essential. Carry one with you at all times. NOthing spoilts a great outdoor event quicker than lips that feel like they may shrivel and drop off your face.
Never be the first one to end a hug.

There is no such thing as an ordinary hug.  Hugs are always outstanding, especially the ones where there is a little bit of rocking involved.

Don’t get sucked into things that are on sale.  Look at the price it is , not what it was.  Are you happy to pay that?  Don’t get caught up on what you are saving, be aware of what you are spending.

Know your parents’ friends’ mobile numbers.  They care about you and your parents so if you can’t call us, then call them.  They will get out of bed and make certain you are safe.  They may even help you break the news to your parents.

Never carry anyone else’s luggage through customs, even if they are your best friend in the whole world.

 Your father** will always love you.  Always.  **Your father may not be the man that actually fathered you.

Fruit cut up on a platter by someone other than yourself will always be more appealing.

There is never a valid reason for someone to hit you or make you feel worthless. There is never a valid reason for you to hit someone or make them feel worthless.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If you cant afford flowers, cut some shrubbery from your garden. Green is cool and refreshing and looks so pretty in a big glass jar.

Quoting from Monty Python movies will never get old.

Never leave nail polish remover on wood.

Crayola crayons smell like childhood. Always have some in case of a colouring emergency.

Don't chew with your mouth open (see untidy room lesson)

Don't turn everyday chores into a major event.  Just do them and get on with life.

Adult women have pubic hair.  That is the way Mother Nature designed us.  You may sculpt your map o’ Tassie but, please, do you really want to look like a pre-pubescent girl at 30?

Monday, April 26, 2010

Life is too short for black handbags, white bras and boring people.

If someone you know suffers a miscarriage, then acknowledge their loss.  Loss of a pregnancy or the ability to have a baby is a true loss.  Treat these the same way you would the loss of a person or pet.

Respect people’s beliefs in religion or politics.  Do not respect those who try to inflict these beliefs onto you.

Listen to other people’s opinions (within reason).  You may learn a new way of looking at things.  If someone (or even yourself perhaps?) is hogging the conversation with their opinions, fake a headache and get out of there.

Rescue your friends when they are stuck with boring people, but do it with grace and aplomb.

Treat anyone who is too full of themselves with scepticism.

When someone you love dies, you will want to talk about them.  That is ok.  If your friend wants to do the same thing, then let them.  No matter how many times you have heard the story.
Talking to work colleagues in a baby voice is not appropriate.  Ever.  Unless you no longer wish to work with those people.

When one is out and about, one should spend time enjoying said out and about, not spend the whole time photographing them and their friends in extreme close-up.

Do your hair once and one only before you leave the house.  Then if absolutely necessary, touch it up in the ladies room.  Unless you are Miranda Kerr on a photo shoot for Vogue, your hair must not be done and then re-done in public.

If someone has (a) food on their teeth, (b) toilet paper on their shoe (c) lipstick on their teeth or (d) their skirt caught up in their tights, tell them quietly.  It is always appreciated. 

Regularly delete your texts.  No good comes from keeping texts.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Learn the difference between "your" and "you're". Always use them in the correct manner. (This mistake drives your mother nuts and she will judge people who dont understand the difference. sorry 'bout that.)

Respect your parent's friends, and the parents of your friends. Call them Mr and Mrs or Ms until invited to do otherwise.

Recycle all that you can.

Understand that even the most in love couples will fight. If your parents are breaking up.. we promise you will be the first to know. Arguments, misunderstandings and disagreements are all part of any long term relationship.

Breaking up is hard to do.. but not as hard as living with someone you no longer love or respect.

The jury is out on staying together for the sake of the kids.

Vintage linen tea towels are lovely.
Sometimes in life, you just gotta mentally put things into a helium-filled balloon and Let. It. Go.

Good hair can make ordinary days seem shiny.

Good hairdressers are like good GPs: worth holding onto.

Good hairdressers move, have babies, leave salons never to be found again.  You will find another.

It is not an adulterous act to try out other hairdressers.

Learn to laugh at yourself and let others do it (occasionally).

Know the fear and do it anyway (unless this involves drugs, speeding cars or running with scissors).

Saturday, April 24, 2010

  Tell someone that you are sorry for what has happened to them, even if you did not cause it.

 Find something you are passionate about and make it a part of your life.

 It is OK to be afraid.

 It is OK to ask for help.

 It is OK to make mistakes.

 If you do hurt someone, tell them you are sorry for what you did.  Do not use words like “I apologise if…”

Admit your mistakes and offer to fix them before someone else makes a big deal about it.

 Be honest, but never be cruel.

 If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, spend as little time with them as you can.

 Get to know your family before they are gone.  They are your history and your future.

 Be nice to your siblings.  They are family and family will ground you.

 Exam results are important but they do not represent who you are, merely your ability to perform at that given moment.

 Being in any long term relationship is about compromise, on both sides.

Anzac Day. 25/04/2010.

Observe Anzac Day and show respect for the many men and women who fought and sacrificed so that you could have the life you have today. It is not about your beliefs on war or politics that matters today. It is about respect.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Do not buy anything that is advertised on TV after midnight or by women called “Moira”.

Never trust a person whose forehead doesnt move.  Or whose lips  resemble a trout and whose cheeks resemble mounds (See Hunter Tylo).

Embrace your own natural beauty. The world would be a very boring place if we were all tall thin and blonde. Love your hourglass figure. Love your knobbly knees. Love your differences. ( this life lesson contains a special shout out to Nicole Kidman.)

Food that wobbles: jelly, blancmange, tapioca, rice pudding, flummeries and aspics: should not be trusted.

If you cant handle a 6 week old puppy... dont have a child.

always break an (freerange) egg into a cup before adding it to a recipe.

Items presented in Newspapers and  on Television News are NOT the only newsworthy things happening in the world.

When speaking in public.. speak slower than normal.and  take a nice big breath every now and then so you dont rush.

Do not judge the quality of a school by whether it is public or private. Judge it by the young people it  turns out.
Understand that when someone serves you food they have cooked, it is safe to assume they have not laced it with arsenic, so DO NOT approach it with suspicion.  Just eat it and be grateful.  (And then wash up).

You cannot eat nachos every night for the rest of your life, so stop asking.

Find a fashion icon closer to home: your mum, her friend (Hi Liz), someone you work with, your best friend?  Style icons do not have to be found in fashion magazines.

Mobile phones are excellent for texts and emergency or BRIEF calls.  The rest of the world does not find your conversations about your STD nearly as riveting as you think they do.

Back away from excessive eye liner.

Do NOT, we repeat, do NOT bring your dog to someone’s home, uninvited and then let them wee on their rug, frolic and generally trash their house.  And then do a large poo in their back yard**.  

**The same applies to your children, spouse and good self.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

cleanse, exfoliate, moisturise, sunscreen. always.

 dont cut your own hair. ok.. actually we KNOW you are going to cut it, but at least use decent scissors and dont do it when you have your period.

 cramps do not neccessarily go away after you have babies.

Parenting children is a very hard job. Parenting your parents is too.

 Value your health and fitness.

 take care of your feet.

 never wake a sleeping puppy.

 adopt all your pets from shelters.

 sleep when you are tired.

Put the milk away within a minute of finishing with it

Don't eat white bread regularly. Go for the ones with the fibre and the seeds. Know however, that it is much harder to tell if these breads have gone mouldy. If in doubt throw it out.

Never apologise if your laugh is "too loud".

If it feels right, then it probably is.
It is not important to have a ‘day’ cream and a ‘night’ cream, nor should you care whether you use the day cream at night or vice versa.

Be wary of people telling you have the miracle cure for anything, particularly if they are behind a cosmetics counter.

Buy cosmetics that are labelled cruelty free.  Always.

You cannot lose weight, gain confidence, be empowered by using any product that has a the name of a fruit and the word “detox” or “slimming” on its label.

Shows that show people losing weight, making-over their kitchens, gardens or life are for entertainment and do not represent what goes on in real life.  Think of them as real-time cartoons, using real people.

Those tossers who live next door to you may end up as your bank manager/police officer/driving instructor.

If you want to wear a hat, then do so.

Good, no GREAT, clothes can be found in second-hand stores.  The same is true about accessories, and home wares.
Never grocery shop on an empty stomach.

Try not to cry when you are unspeakably angry with someone, it just makes you even more angry and then you cry some more.

Whoever cooks, does not have to wash up.  Unless you are alone.

Throwing clothes on the floor takes just as much energy as putting them in the dirty clothes basket.

As life-limiting as it sounds, separate your colours before you wash them.  Whites, Pale colours, dark colours..

In winter, you only have to iron the collar and cuffs of shirts, as long as you are wearing a jumper, and you are not peri- menopausal.

A good structured jacket hides a lot of sins. Go for: black or red leather, or a burberry print, cashmere or a non itchy camel coloured wool. Dont go for: pleather, real fur, plastic  or waist length.

When shaving your legs, beware nicking the skin on your shins or tendons on the sides of your ankles.  They hurt like nothing else (except perhaps paper cuts).

Monday, April 19, 2010

 a hot beverage is a great calmer.

 ice cold beer tastes best on a hot day after mowing the lawn.

 it is never too late to have a happy childhood. give it to yourself if none else has.

 fibre is good for isnt tasty or fun.. but a good poop can cure a whole lot of ills.

 know the angles and poses that make you look fabulous in photos. use them.

babies DO grow up, even if some days feel like they last 1000 years. We promise.

indulge your love of old movies, crochet, darts, regardless of whether they are "in".

 a vegan lifestyle is not a healthy option if you end up pale, gaunt and lifeless looking.

 life is too short to pass on dessert, or a glass of wine, or a love affair.

clutter complicates everything. so do cryptic crosswords.
A car is a car is a car.  As long as it is reliable and yours, then there is no need to refer to it as “the Beemer” or “our Merc” or “my Benz”.  Truly.  We don’t care what you drive as long as you are sober and not on drugs when you drive it.

Personalised number plates = dicky.  Truly do you think we care if you have “NV”  on your car or “#1” or “mine” or “his” or “Babe” or “Classy”?  No we don’t.  And we will be very reluctant to let our baby girl into a car that has “PSSYWGON” on it.  Just so we are very clear on that.

Being a “cougar” is nothing to aspire to.  Truly, can you find enough common ground between you and someone over 20 years younger?  Really?  Great sex is not enough to sustain a long term relationship.  Trust us on this one.

Savour great sex while it lasts.  Great sex is replaced with good sex based on history, with occasional bursts of great sex.

Be suspicious of anyone who needs to tell you they have sex three or four times a week.  They are either lying or personality-disordered.  Best to avoid on any count.

Clean, crisp sheets and newly shaved legs = Bliss!

Buy new sleepwear every year.  It can come from a supermarket.

You can buy your knickers from the supermarket.  You do not need to pay $20 or $30 for a pair of undies.

Do not buy anything that has a brand name on it in an obvious place.  It really is a wank.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Become informed of the world around you , and your local area.

Smile at strangers, wish people a good morning.

 Encourage new mothers, with an offer of help, a  hot cup of tea. and acknowledgement that is is hard... and that it will get better.

 Use a condom. Carry a condom so there is no excuse.

 Shorts and stilettos are rarely classy

 Obvious gstrings are NEVER classy.

 Dont blame your parents for YOUR issues. You are an adult. grow up.

 Do learn about your family history.. even if it is only to know what mistakes/bad ideas/creepy uncles  to avoid.

 Forgive and forget is MUCH easier to say than to do.

 There are some things you need NEVER forgive.

 Any new mother whose entire home is perfectly immaculate needs you to be concerned, not congratulatory.
  Always buy your lover a birthday present and Christmas present, no matter how little money you have.

      If someone has the courage to ask you to dance and you don’t want to dance with them, be polite.  DO NOT BELITTLE THEM.   If you do wish to dance with them, do so.

      If your friends make you feel anything less than happy and supported, they are not your friends.

   Friends have the right to tell you when you are not being your best, but they will do so gently and with love.

   You have the right to tell your friends that they are not being their best, but you must do so gently and with love.

   Be happy with who you are, not who you think you should be.

   Never stop growing and evolving.

   Sometimes, life is too hard and too much, this will pass.  Put one foot in front of one another until you get to the other side.

  Always buy a “The big issue”   every month, even if it take the last of the money in your purse/wallet.
Beige underwear may be entirely "appropriate " for certain outfits, but it wont ever make you feel cute.

Never miss an opportunity when alone in a room with a tea cosy.. to try it on. Thankyou Billy Connelly.

Butter really does taste better.

NOTHING can hide the smell of cigarette smoke on your breath. ESPECIALLY not from your Mother.

Toads are evil and will suck the life blood from you , simply by being near them. Much like clowns,  people who attend Pro- life rallies.. and Carob.

Artificial sweetener= weird tasting "sugar-style" chemical that leaves a bitter aftertaste both physically and mentally. Use only real sugar or learn to live without it.

Your ipod cord WILL tangle no matter how carefully you put it away. So will your adulterous affairs.

The Beatles, David Bowie and the Rolling Stones are rock stars. Guy Sebastian isnt.

Fake tans are rarely successful especially around your feet, elbows and knees. Orange is not a natural colour unless you are an oompa loompa.

Oompa loompas are not fashion icons. Neither is Linsday Lohan***.

Aging beautifully = Meryl Streep, Isabella Rosselini, Helen Mirren, George Clooney, Sean Connery.

Aging like they lost a bet= Kenny Rogers, Paul Hogan, Hunter Tylo, Liza Minelli, ***Lindsey Lohan.

It pays to be suspicious of :
*long lost relatives  who want to tell you about " an amazing opportunity".
* long lost "friends" and relatives who arrive/get in contact after you lose a parent/possible benefactor.
* door to door salespeople of any kind: art, donations, religion.
* anyone who is more than happy to carry on intimate conversations with kids.. but cant look an adult in the eye.
* nylon underwear.
* rug sales.
* wobbly food.
* overly friendly in-laws.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

style is a state of mind.
if you love it and feel confident in it, go for it.
( ***this lesson does not EVER apply to real fur, thigh high boots in public, or Pleather.)
Wear cotton undies.

Wear sunscreen.

Do not have sex with someone because they tell you you should, have sex with them because you like them and you feel comfortable about it.

Do not have sex anywhere others may see you, walk in or film you on their phone.

  Never send nude photos of yourself via text or email, and if you MUST .. CHECK the address BEFORE you hit send.  Your boss and  your mother REALLY dont want to get that message.

   Never make a sex video with someone unless you get back all the copies if you break-up. ALL the copies.

  Write love letters by hand.

You will grow up and away from some of your friends. that is ok.

Some of your friends will be there regardless of what a dick you make of yourself. that is ok too.

It is ok to choose NOT to have children.

It is ok to choose to have a big family, provided each and every child has the childhood they deserves, the care and support  they need, and the very  best opportunities you can give them. all of them.

Gut feelings are very important. Follow them. Listen to them. They are what allowed your ancestors to survive.

be true to you. your style, your beliefs, your morals. Your essence is what make you unique.

Turn up the music and sing and dance.

Monday, April 12, 2010

You can have more than one soulmate. You can be your own soulmate.

Being 16 is very hard.  So can being 40.

 One should not try to cope with being 40 by dressing like one is 16.

 Try new foods.

 Dont try drugs, new or old.

Stand up for anyone older than you on the bus. Same for pregnant women. Same for anyone who just LOOKS like they need to sit down. and do it with good grace.

 open doors for everyone.

Own a pet. care for it. Do not, however,  substitute it for a child/relationship/life.

 No one wants to see /hears about your pet's cute quirks. Same goes for your kids. and your sex life.**

Great friends will pretend they DO want to hear about the above**. For a while.

 You do not have to make your own pasta to have a good life.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

 Any lump found on your body should be investigated. now.

Ankle tattoos are rarely a style success. Dolphin tattoos are never a style success.

 Cheap tattoos are never quality  and quality tattoos are never cheap.**

 See ** above for shoes and chocolate.

Get yourself FITTED for a bra.. every year. Your body will change and your bras will need to as well. Badly fitting bras are uncomfortable, and can  ruin even the best outfit. same with knickers.

 Your mother** will ALWAYS love you. always.

 **Your mother is not necessarily the woman who birthed you.
We do trust you without question.  We don't trust your friends until they prove worthy of that trust.

If our antennae wobble when we meet the parents or siblings of your friends, you will not be allowed to sleep over.  Don't keep asking us because the answer will never change.  Not in our lifetime.  Never.

Sultanas are untrustworthy and will appear to spoil a perfectly good sweetie.

If milk or food tastes off or funny on the first bite, don't take another to be certain.  You will regret it when you are vomiting at 2am the next morning.

Yes, parents like to watch the news (see financial decision-making lesson).

If you take the memory card out of the camera, put it back before the next major family event.  Internal memory on cameras cannot cope with a wedding or christening.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

we must all eventually leave the world our parents want for us behind! 
~ Jim Carrey.

Never were truer words spoken.
Never belittle someone who has a passion for tropical fish, stamps, trainspotting or the history of pipe organs in Eastern Europe (***see "indulge your love of old movies, crochet, darts, regardless of whether they are "in". ")

If your friend is undertaking a project that is near and dear to them, then be interested, even if it is about pipe organs in Eastern Europe.

If a toe nail turns a funny colour, fix it before you end up with 9 toenails.

Know you will feel a little envious when your friends lose weight, get a fabulous job, meet the perfect partner.  This is ok, just don't wallow in it or show them.

Know that you will feel smug when your friends gain weight, lose a fabulous job, or get dumped by their fabulous partner. This is ok, just don't wallow in it or show them.

Learn to say "Congratulations!", "I'm sorry" and "How can I help?" and mean it.
Always use water as though the dams are at 17% capacity, even if they are at 98%.

Sometimes the thrill of the chase is more fun than the catch.

Learn the ancient art of smiling and saying something polite, all the while thinking "get rooted".

You are always worth more than someone's meanest words.

Nurture something: a plant, a goldfish or a whole garden.

Say 'yes' to lunch with your Dad before it is too late to do just that.

Friday, April 9, 2010

 You do NOT have to iron everything in your wardrobe. You do have to iron your school uniform/ business attire/ outfit that you wear to a funeral.

 If you are bald, or balding. SHAVE IT OFF. You are fooling NO ONE.

Personal hygiene is more important than the outfit.

 Mental illness is as much an illness as heart disease or a broken leg. You wouldnt let a broken leg heal itself, would you?

If you have the word TEEN at the end of your age, you are too young to be called mummy or daddy.
*dont pick at scabs.

*it is better to say nothing than to regret what you cant take back.

*drink lots of water.

*be the best You, you can be. the world needs a fabulous YOU.

*if a charity or a plight moves you.. donate to it.

*some days are diamonds.. some days are stones.

*if it itches you when you first try it on... it's gonna keep itching you.

and so it begins...

  Always buy free range eggs and chickens. Enjoy the fact that they had a  happy and fulfilling life.

  Buy  good real estate early and often.

  Avoid credit cards for as long as possible.

  Vote, learn about your candidates and vote.  It is a privilege, use it.

 If you cannot afford to buy anything else, find the money for some new lip gloss.
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