One day not too long ago..2 Australian mamas were sitting on a back deck, sipping wine.. and talking up all the oxygen available.. when the conversation turned to life lessons.. and what they thought were the ones that certainly and without doubt needed to be learned. The two teenage daughters of the 2 mamas were, in turn, amazed, amused, and repulsed, by the words of wisdom tumbling forth from the mamas' mouths. These are, in no particular order, those words.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Know that at some stage in your life you will live beside true morons who think (a) they can sing Robbie Williams at the top of their lungs at 6am, or (b) you are interested in hearing all about their argument with soulmate #4 whilst they are on their mobile sitting on their back steps or (c) you too share a passion for the sound of a basketball being bounced bounced bounced bounced bounced.  Suck it up, buy a good stereo and crank it up.

Those dickheads who live next door to you may end up as your bank manager/police officer/driving instructor.

Sit-coms using a laughter track are not funny

Children's programs that use cheesy child actors in wacky, madcap, semi-adult situations are not funny

Try to avoid ‘stripper-chic’.  Not even interpretive dancers want to look like that.

Resist the urge to ‘vajazzle’.  Your vulva should not  be treated as though they are part of a Year 1 craft lesson.

Call your anatomy by its correct name, not va-jay-jay, bearded clam, muff, john-thomas, pee-pee, peeny etc.  Please, show some respect if you want others to respect you as well.

Do not show your enthusiasm for any public event by lifting your shirt and flashing your breasts, or dropping your pants and waving your penis.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Thank you "Shit my Dad says"

"Stop trying so hard. He doesn’t like you. Jesus, don’t kiss an ass if it’s in the process of shitting on you."

There's a life lesson for you.
The One Flaw In Women ...

Women have strengths that amaze men.....

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

 Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

Remember YOUR worth.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

  Burn all your favourite songs onto a disc for someone you like so they can get to know you better.

   If you are going to swear, use it in conversations to make a point, not as adjectives in everyday language.

 Learn a new word every day try to use them in sentences.

   You do not have to eat everything on your plate.

Porn does not represent real life sex, bodies, noises or emotions.

Look people in the eyes when you speak to them.

If you are well and fine and dandy, the only correct response to "How are you?" is "Fine, thank you". Not "good", "ok" or "fine".

Eat all the right things in the right portion sizes 6 days a week.  One day a week go nuts (see eating skittles with spoon).

Never apologise for crying if you need to or in a movie no matter how sappy it is.

Learn one good (clean) insult and use it infrequently so it doesn't lose its sting.

True friends won't notice if your house is untidy or your floors need cleaning.

 Sometimes life changing events happen to good people, but you learn that they are resilient.

There really are such things as rose coloured glasses and they do make things seem better than they are, but that is ok.

If they go home from your function a little bit hungry, they can always eat toast when they get home.

If you have a friend who is a medical doctor and you feel you need to call them for advice, then you need to call, see your doctor, not your friend.
"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."

Thanks To Gill.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Layering helps extend the life of your signature scent: bath oil, moisturiser and ‘parfum’ (perfume essence: lasts around 6 hours but is violently expensive).  Eau de parfum is less expensive, eau de toilette (or eau de cologne) is cheaper.  The cheaper the scent the less time they last.

Sing ‘Happy birthday’ in a round: it is hugely fun, mildly irritates those around you in public places and makes the moment last longer.

When you are in a different part of town or the world, be alert but not alarmed.  Be aware of where you are, who is around you.  Look confident and smile.  (See ‘gut instinct’ lesson).

Only you know what your grade point average was or the marks you got for your exams at high school.  All the world sees is that you worked hard enough to earn that qualification.  Be smart: do you want to do really well or just pass?  Look at the time, effort and sacrifices each takes and work out which one you can live with.

You will only get out of life what you put in: treat yourself poorly and without respect: others will too.  Treat others poorly and without respect and they will treat you even worse.

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Life Lessons

Thursday, May 20, 2010

If someone you know is doing it tough, and you can afford it, anonymously drop a $20 Coles/Woolworths/Aldi card into their letterbox.  There are some things you do not need thanks for.  If $20 is too much for your budget, perhaps a loaf of bread or a bottle of milk?

At some stage in your life, work in a service industry: banking, health care, reception, waiting on tables.  Then you will learn two things:  how to treat staff in service industry and why people work in the service industry loathe the general public.

Occasionally in life, there are situations that call for a smug “I told you so”.  Occasionally.

You cannot make every situation right, no matter how hard you try, how much you want to or how unjust it is.  Still, you need to try.

Hard work is good for you.  However, hard work must be balanced by rest and relaxation.

There is no shame in having a few different careers in your life.  There is no shame in doing the same job from the time you leave school until you retire.  As long as you can look yourself in the mirror and say “I am happy”.

Do things that make you proud of who you are and what you do.  Once you no longer respect yourself and your actions, you need to change your behaviour.

Phone calls at 2am are never good, unless it is to tell us about a new baby or an engagement.  Those are great phone calls to make and receive.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You would worry far less about what people think of you.. if you realised how seldom they did.



Thankyou Dr Phil.

If you are a working mother and you have parental leave benefits, stay home with your sick children.  The guilt of leaving them with someone else or sending them to school/child care is not worth it.  The time they need a loving adult to do this is so short.  Do what you have to do to make that time best for everyone.
Going to work or school on your birthday is negotiable.

Never ever ever ever share needles if you absolutely positively must inject substances into your body.  Better yet, ask us before you want to put that shit into your body.  We spent 9 months making the best body we could for you and we will have firm opinions on what you should be doing with that body.

Walk around the house naked, just close your curtains before you do.

If, in an exam setting,  you are asked to do something or answer a question and you don’t know, trust us when we say you will earn more brownie points by saying “I haven’t done that but this is how I would approach it” or “I don’t know but this is how I would find out”.  (This is little hint as to how to get more marks on vivas or oral presentations).

Don’t judge someone by the music they enjoy, unless they enjoy Bolivian flute music at 1 am on volume 11.  Then go for it, judge away.

Everyone judges everyone else.  Know that, accept that because sometimes the judgements are good.  Give yourself some credit.  Mostly others will think you are ok or even better.

Know that people are talking about you way less than you think they are.

Never drink and dial ANYONE.  No good will come from this.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The ONLY way to get rid of split ends is to cut them off.

No matter how much Tupperware you buy.. there will never be enough lids for  the bottoms.

Bed linen needs to be changed once a week at least. no excuses.

Never buy out of date smallgoods or cheeses.. no matter how good the deal seems.

Don't mistake anxiety for excitement and vise versa.

Don't sniff... seriously... we will slap you.

Buy in season  fruit, veg and flowers .. they will be cheaper and more tasty/beautiful/ bountiful.

There is no such thing as good gluten free bread.

Don't eat the yellow snow.

Do not over-commit to work related deadlines,  family Christmas parties or the amount of courses you can eat  at one sitting.

Allow ( indeed, EXPECT of ) yourself the courtesies, understanding and second chances you would readily give to others.

Always always always have a spare unopened pair of tights/hose in your undies drawer.. in case of the way too frequent "laddering the hose before you even step outside the house" phenomenon. 

If in doubt, ring us.. we will come. Always. Everytime. We promise.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The problem with common sense is that you will find it is not that common.

It really is about how you play the game that is important.  Play smart but fair.  You may not always win but it is nice when you do. (See “huge gloat” lesson)

When your friend, partner, lover appears in a truly hideous, not-so-flattering outfit, gently tell them they look as though they have dressed with the lights off and suggest something else.  If they refuse, accept that they have their own style and suck it up.

Find a perfume that QUIETLY announces your arrival.  Avoid the ones that trumpet your existence from 50 metres.

You will only get out of life what you put in: treat yourself poorly and without respect: others will too.  Treat others poorly and without respect and they will treat you even worse.

If you know your new lover is cheating on their spouse or partner to be with you, then chances are they will cheat on you with someone else.  In the immortal words of Dr Phil: “If they do it with ya, they’ll do it to ya”.  You can count on one hand the relationships that have started this way that succeed.

Sometimes the best travel experiences come out of cheap, inexpensive places.  You do not have to travel in 4 or 5 star luxury to see the world.  As long as where you sleep is safe and secure, it costs very little to look, smell, feel and taste different places.

Coffee that is poorly made never lives up to the anticipation.

Seeing as 90% of enjoyment is derived from the first three bites of something, do you really need to eat the whole packet of biscuits/ice cream container/(insert yummy thing of choice here).

If you want to try something, then give it a go.  What’s the worst that can happen?  (Except for speeding cars, taking drugs, accepting free drinks at nightclubs, eating rat sac or running with scissors).

Ask yourself “what is the worst that can happen?”  If the answer is one you can live with, do it.  Do it now.  Life is too short to be held up by fear.  

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dear Unique one.

The very thing that may make you stand out, make you feel peculiar....
and maybe even sometimes a little bit like an probably
the thing in your life that will have the most impact on others....
as well as yourself.

If you are different...embrace it. If you stand out from the crowd...
stand a little taller. If your message is new and strange....
shout it from the rooftops.

Most history-making, life-improving, world-beautifying people were
the people who were thought of as strange, bold and peculiar....... are one of those amazing big-souled, incredibly brave
wonder-women....of course you stand out from the crowd.

..and we are so thankful that you do.

Keep shining, you beautiful soul.
( reproduced from the Brave GIrl Mailing list )
Being angry with your life partner does not mean you will leave them or break up, it just means you are angry with them.

You do not have to love your job every minute of every day, even the best jobs in the world can be tedious.

Good friends will tell each other when their houses smell like wet dogs.

Even though you love the name you have chosen for your baby or pet, know that it will resemble shards of glass running over your tongue when you say it for the millionth time that day.

Choose a name for your pet or baby that you love more than you thought possible because that love will have to sustain you through some dark moments.

Savour the first time you hear your baby say the word "mum" or "mummy", because it gets a bit thin after hear it strung out over three syllables "MU-UU-MM".

Learn the difference between MU-UU-MM (insert whiny tone here) and MU-UU-MM (spurting blood event).
Meat and meat scraps CANNOT go into your in-kitchen compost bin.

If you need to wear a "g-string liner", perhaps you should rethink the g-string.

Remember people's names (even though we struggle with this).

Be wary of clowns {shudder}.

Get into the habit of spending 10 minutes every day tidying and straightening your home (see 'remembering people's names').

Coke must be savoured if it comes out of a glass bottle.

Never drink alcohol until you fall down.

Make one alcoholic drink last the equivalent of three alcoholic drinks.

Ensure control of your 'slapping hand' at all times.

It is ok to have all your emotions show on your face.

Try to control your rolling eyes before they roll back into your head.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

No regrets.
do not regret your mistakes, your past.
learn from it.. and look forward.
  No means no, say it clearly and mean it.

 Do not expect your lover to know how to please you.  Tell them, show them.

 Know how to please yourself so that you never have to rely on your lover.

  Get a mirror and look at your body.  All of it.  Know what it looks like and what it feels like.  It is your body and you need to care for it.

  Find yourself a GP and stick with them.  Follow them if they move practices.

 Pap smear, dental checks and skin checks must be done every year.

  Tell the people you love them early and often.

Show the people you love them by doing things for them: make them a cup of tea, put petrol in the car, buy them a recharge for their phone.

   Gifts do not have to be expensive or bought to be meaningful.

  Surround yourself with things that you find beautiful, not what you are told is right or fashionable.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Never leave a friend alone who is vomiting, as icky as it is, stay with them, hold their hair out of the way and stay with them.

Never buy tablets of any kind when you are at a nightclub or party.  Always carry panadol with you so you know what it is you are taking.

Trust us enough to tell us where you are going and with whom.  You may need us to know just that information in an emergency.

Know that there will be times we will be disappointed, won’t like what you do or approve, but we will always love you.

Valentine’s Day does not need to be celebrated with doves, gifts and public displays of affection.  A hearty  “happy Valentine’s Day” is all that is required.  The same goes for Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Some HomeBrand groceries are ok, others are not.  The trick is working out which is which.

Never trust someone who doesn't smile with their eyes.  They do not mean it
Sometimes it is better to walk away from an argument than win it.

If it is important, then fight for it.

No-one will advocate for you or your kids better than you, don't give that role to anyone else.

Sometime "nice" girls are really dragons whose "nice" scales blind you.

Listen to that little 7-year-old inside you, they know what is good for you and what isn't.

There are a few days every year when you can eat a bowl full of skittles with a spoon, but don't make it a habit.

Remember that what you put in must be balanced by what you put out.

A new baby can never be spoiled, pick them up when they cry and comfort them and you.

It is ok to go to the movies or dinner by yourself.

Learn when to cop it silently and when not to.

If you want to wear THAT hat, then do so.

Only the manufacturers of liners call them "panties".

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Pink clinkers are the best.

A dry just bathed dog will stay non-stinkified for approx 5 mins. After that they just smell like dog again. Get in quick for those close up cuddles.

A glass of wine at five pm on a Saturday afternoon can be perfection. A glass of wine instead of breakfast is a problem.

Coffee tastes yuck when you have just brushed your teeth.

Just because you drag a HUGE dog turd into your new boyfriend/girlfriend's car on the first date , it doesnt mean you cant end up in a long term relationship.

DO go to your school reunion.. especially if you struggled socially at school, and you are now very comfortable in your own body/mind. We will bet there are many "populars" there who are now neither.

Some people will never "get" you. This is perfectly reasonable.. as more than likely you wont "get" them either.

Underwear is good for ONE wearing before washing. ONE.

Wear pyjamas that make you feel good. THEY are the most "sexy".

Swim naked outside at least once in your life. Preferably at night, in seclusion. NOT at the local pool on a saturday afternoon.

Dont accept bets that require you to streak, drink lots of alcohol, or eat offal if you lose.  You WILL lose.

A watched pot will boil eventually, but in the meantime, go fold up your clothes and put them away. THEN when the pot has boiled,  make your mother a cup of tea.

Champagne must be drunk when  VERY cold, and very expensive.

You may take up smoking. When you are 80 years old, and then only cigars.

Do not be a food or wine snob. If it tastes good to you , that is all that matters. A $2.00 cleanskin is fabulous if shared with wonderful people.

Food always tastes better when cooked outdoors, by someone other than yourself.

The best way to grow beautiful orchids is to buy one, and ignore it. Sadly the same can not be said  for children or pets.

Shit will stink. Yours included.

if you have more than one clock in your home.. they will each say a different time.
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