Know that at some stage in your life you will live beside true morons who think (a) they can sing Robbie Williams at the top of their lungs at 6am, or (b) you are interested in hearing all about their argument with soulmate #4 whilst they are on their mobile sitting on their back steps or (c) you too share a passion for the sound of a basketball being bounced bounced bounced bounced bounced.  Suck it up, buy a good stereo and crank it up.

Those dickheads who live next door to you may end up as your bank manager/police officer/driving instructor.

Sit-coms using a laughter track are not funny

Children's programs that use cheesy child actors in wacky, madcap, semi-adult situations are not funny


Try to avoid ‘stripper-chic’.  Not even interpretive dancers want to look like that.

Resist the urge to ‘vajazzle’.  Your vulva should not  be treated as though they are part of a Year 1 craft lesson.

Call your anatomy by its correct name, not va-jay-jay, bearded clam, muff, john-thomas, pee-pee, peeny etc.  Please, show some respect if you want others to respect you as well.

Do not show your enthusiasm for any public event by lifting your shirt and flashing your breasts, or dropping your pants and waving your penis.